Sorry, a simpler Simple Simon salutation you will never see, but effectively festive I’m sure you’ll agree.

O hai Santa! For Christmas I would like one low rent couplet please! Christmas came early kids, well happy with that. So happy in fact I might just sit back a moment and bask in the hot-like-lava glow that burns from the fireplace of my genius… Seems the moment has passed. Fleeting and futile. Much like my prep school performance of an infant ‘Inn keeper’, which ran disastrously, and thusly…

Act II, Scene II: Bethlehem. Enter stage left - Mary and Joseph.

(Joseph knocks at the door of the final Inn)

Joseph: “We have travelled many miles and are hungry and tired. My wife is heavy with child. Is there no room for us at your inn?”

Me: (nervous silence) “...There…Room… No… (wets self) sleep with the monkey in a barn?” (deafening silence)

...I never trod the boards again.

A rare and beautiful talent cut down before it blossomed. Clip was a total keeper for the VHS mind, kept Beadle in work for 15 years and me in Kicker’s throughout high school. Lesson: Repeated, ritualised humiliation on prime time TV is a total money-maker - can’t sniff at 250 sheets just for wetting your seven year-old-self in front of an audience of millions. Probably don’t want to sniff my school trousers though.

Such scenes are common place at this time of year, but no domestic disaster, no in-law inflicted incident can hold a Christmas-scented candle to these scenes of seasonal silliness, my Top 5 All Time Greatest Most Bestest Noel Movie Magic Moments:

5. The Muppets’ Christmas Carol - ‘Kid Gets Smashed In Face, Starts A Rumble’

Okay, I could quite happily post every single second of this film, it is absolutely the best Christmas movie ever, but for the purposes of the LOLZ, 1:59 in of this banger, ‘It Feels Like Christmas’, takes some beating. Literally. Absolute sparko. Keep an eye out for the two carol-ers, bottom right. Amazing.

4. Home Alone - ‘Kevin BB-Blasts Harry and Marv’

Another classic, and again; So. Many. multiple. Highlights. All of these are golden but for me, you can’t beat gangsta gunnage to the goolies - very special. Though for everyone ever forced to share beds with leaky cousins (or me), the sheer sinisterness of this scene is quite chilling.

3. Scrooged - ‘It’s a Toaster!’

Murray; a mighty fine man, a masterclass performance. PWND by the Fairy of Christmas Present.

2. Trading Places - ‘Which You Might Find In A Bacon and Lettuce and Tomato Sandwich’

I am a HUGE fan of eighties Eddie. Seriously, I swear I dropped a .1 at uni trading revision for RAW. This is perhaps not my favourite from the film (those have rude words in them) but this clip demonstrates perfectly Murphy’s knowing, bad-boy relationship with the audience with the best ‘look to camera’ ever committed to celluloid - and it is genuinely an increds feel good Holiday movie, I urge you to give it a viewing.

1. Elf - ‘You Did it!/Santa’s Coming!/Throne of Lies!’

A hat-trick of Ferrell hilarity. GET. INVOLVED. BUDDY.

I like to think that in the course of the single year since the release of Sigh No More The Sons have enjoyed something akin to the joy and excitement of waking on Christmas morning every single day: from shifting serious numbers of shiny discs and digital megabits, to selling out tours across continents and reaching more ears and finding more fans than they could have ever imagined, every second has been spectacular and owes as much to your belief in the band as the music itself. Humbled and indebted.

Have a very Merry Christmas, a wonderful New Year and I’ll see you all on the other side of the snow…