From M&S HQ… Here we are then: another waffle, another dollar. Making stacks on the corner of the blogosphere (done a little sick-up in my mouth just now) dealing Class-A blogs, an’ dodging dem Po-Po. Well, not really dodging; the common man he say casually strolling into their open arms after the shockingly low-quality fix I flogged you last time out. BUSTED. They threw the book at me and Xerox George - 125 YEARS! We’re already one months hard labour in to the stretch… One whole month writing the Bruno Mars anonymous artist blog. You’d get less for murder yo.

As a consequence of my incarceration, supplies of mis-adventure are running low - not a lot happens in internet clink - so I’m just gonna pluck a completely, and in no-way-pre-meditated word to run with and see where we end up. The word is… ‘train’. Every time I include the word ‘train’ I’ll score myself one point, like this☝, and every time I some way work in a lil’ train wordplay, I’ll score myself two points, like this ✌. It’s all fun and games here.

Poop Poop, all aboard the run-a-way ramble express (✌)!

Of course, the real beauty of writing in a continuous train (☝) of thought fashion is that you’re at my mercy - I’m like an out of control freight train (double points please for the metaphor ☝✌) and at some point this whole thing’s gonna come off the rails (✌) and end in a spectacular train wreck (☝). If only there was a GCSE in this, cos I am #winning.

I have a kind of love/hate relationship with trains (☝). I’ve never been hit by a train so they get love for that, though I did once get stuck in the doors of a tube train, so they get a strong dislike for that. I really like trainers (1/2 ☝), and I love 80’s movie training (1/2 ☝) montages - these being my favourite, natch - but trains (☝) also played a significant part in the rise and demise of a relationship, so it’s swings and roundabouts. Proper love/hate, real talk. Sigh. Let’s begin…

The Rise: After university, my best friend from those hallowed halls of learning decided to expand his horizons and mind on a Masters tip in the far flung fields of Nottingham. So one early Autumn day I caught the train (☝) up to see him. It was while traversing the tubes on this particular journey that I got mixed up in the carriage door carnage actually. Eventful all ‘round. Anyway, it was also on this journey that I met… er, let’s roll with a name change here, shall we… Steve. Steve had the face of Kiera Knightley and the body of Blake Lively. Naturally, with my wet hippo hair, hairy tramp face and baboon’s bum we were the perfect match. And so began a short courtship, from which eventually blossomed a gratia garden bursting with beauty, filled with the sweet-smelling scent of that rarest of roses; Eau de Romance pour Him et Her. By Steve. 1ltr bottle, £2.99.

The Demise: Months passed and by early Summer it was time to meet the parents. A weekend at the family home to celebrate the youngest member of the bunch’s Birthday seemed the ideal opportunity. No problem. Present for brother - check. Flowers for Mum - check. Bottle of wine for Dad - check. New shirt for me - check. Knowledge of sibling names and no-go topics of conversation - double check. What could go wrong? Well, quite a lot apparently…

First day was fine, despite the revelation that the Birthday Boy was a nine year old nightmare in Nikes. Second day was a trip to a theme park, and just a nightmare. Now, I don’t know who suggested it was a good idea to go on the ghost train (☝) but let me just say this: CHEERS FOR RUINING MY LIFE. And I definitely don’t know who suggested I share a cart with the Nightmare and Grandma but, again: CHEERS FOR RUINING MY LIFE. Now, the last time I rode a ghost train (☝) it was absolutely rubbish, so to whomever designed this one: CHEERS FOR RUINING MY LIFE. It had actual people in it, dressed as serial killers and escaped lunatics…? Why would you do that? WHY? It was terrifying, like, genuinely terrifying. Rounding the final corner of the course, having endured several hairpins of horror, my nerves were shot. I couldn’t take anymore… It wasn’t my fault… What do you expect a grown man to do when confronted by the contorted face of a machete-wielding mad man!? Well, I’ll tell you what Grandma didn’t expect; me to push her out the cart and into the path of the oncoming killer. And I’ll tell you what the Birthday Boy didn’t expect; me to blame him. Straight home and straight to bed for you sunshine, it might be your Birthday but Nana needs changing and you’ve ruined it for everyone. “Welcome to big school”.

Problem is, these new parks take a keepsake snap innit. And as the image processed and the flickering screen slowly revealed my shoving shame, I knew the relationship was over. Straight home for me, but never to bed again. Welcome to single school.

So yeah, trains (☝): rubbish. Except of course, if you happen to be travelling across the American Southwest aboard 15 vintage railcars in the company of two of the US’s finest bands. Which just so happens to be what the boys Mumford will be getting up to this coming Spring when they perform SIX unique, outdoor shows alongside Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeroes and Old Crow Medicine Show from California to New Orleans on the Railroad Revival Tour!!

April 21 Oakland, CA @ Middle Harbor Shoreline Park
April 22 San Pedro, CA @ Ports O’Call Village
April 23 Chandler, AZ @ Arizona Railway Museum
April 24 Marfa, TX @ El Cosmico
April 26 Austin, TX @ Cap Metro Parking Lot
April 27 New Orleans, LA @ Woldenberg Park

The bands will be eating, sleeping and collaborating on the train (☝) for the duration… read all about it at this specially put together website http://railroadrevivaltour.com/

Well jealz, this sounds spectacular so stop slouching and pounce on a ticket when they go on sale this Wednesday. Or sign up to the newsletter quickly to access a fan-club pre-sale. The pre-sale will begin tomorrow at 9am PST/12pm EST but the newsletter will be going out very soon, before then.

M&S HQ

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